The ABCs of a Good Heart

After my second child was born, I was seized with an urgent desire for the world to be a better place. Since my children’s worlds revolved around me and their behavior would be modeled after mine, I realized that the improvements needed to begin within my own heart. I needed to teach them by example how to be strong in their kindness and good in their love.

Acts of Kindness

When Clara was six months old, I read about the Theravada Buddhist tradition of cultivating a practice of metta or lovingkindness. I liked how the word “lovingkindness” reverberated in my breast and soothed my busy mind. I immediately embraced the concept of transforming love into action through gestures of kindness, and I began a quest to learn how to choose the higher responses of the heart rather than caving to the knee-jerk reactions of the ego.

Of course, that which initially seems simple and straightforward often turns out to be frustratingly tricky. I’d leap out of bed in the morning full to the brim with lovingkindness, only to let the little stressors in life drain me of my goodness, leaving me grumpy and impatient by bedtime. I’d redouble my efforts and commit myself to round-the-clock giving, but eventually I’d become spent and, at times, slightly resentful. It was especially difficult to know how often to turn the other cheek to those who took advantage of my good will, and sometimes I realized that my lovingkindness gestures were initiated less from the heart and more from the ego-need to always be the one giving the most. Lovingkindness began to feel like a koan that neither my head nor heart could figure out.

Prints available at www.dharmadoodles.com

Prints available at www.dharmadoodles.com

The turning point in my lovingkindness practice came when my younger daughter entered Kindergarten and I met Teacher Nancy. Teacher Nancy is everything you would imagine a Kindergarten teacher to be: rosy-cheeked, sweet-tempered, and buoyant with perpetual good cheer. As I dropped off Clara each morning, I’d watch parents and students alike flock to Teacher Nancy’s room simply to bask in her light. Soon I was joining the queue, addicted to the warm reassurance of Teacher Nancy’s lovingkindness.

During the months that followed, I came to think of Teacher Nancy as my spiritual guru–even though I was sure she’d never heard of Theravada Buddhism–and when Clara was promoted to first grade, I stayed behind. I hoped that Teacher Nancy would show me how to tap into my own eternal spring of goodness. That she could teach me how to infuse the world around me with lovingkindness.

Lovingkindness

For the next several years, I modeled Teacher Nancy carefully. I learned to share a kind word of encouragement and support with those I meet throughout the day, and to initiate friendliness rather than waiting for it to come to me.  I practiced extending patience and compassion towards those who needed it the most, and I tried to remember to smile more than I frowned. Some days, it actually felt like I was making progress. My heart felt softer and more pliant in my chest than it did when my children were first born. But still, I struggled. I couldn’t master how to let my light be a balm for others without draining my own resources or feeding my petty ego needs.  At times, it was so difficult for me to achieve that which seemed so effortless for Teacher Nancy that I wondered if maybe I had a learning disability when it came to matters of the heart.

Several years after I became her pupil, I mentioned to Teacher Nancy that she seemed to have such ready, easy love for the whole world.  Her smile vanished and her face became somber. “But it isn’t easy at all,” she told me, shaking her head. As we stood in the middle of the playground, she shared with me that over the weekend she’d been in an especially low place. “I lay on the couch with my back to the world.  I didn’t feel a drop of love for anyone or anything. Especially not myself.  Do you know what I mean?”

Wide-eyed with surprise, I nodded my head vigorously. “Oh, I do,” I said. “I so know what you mean.”

Black Heart

Just then, several students from the upper class approached.  Spotting Teacher Nancy, they ran up calling “Morning, Teacher Nancy” and threw their arms around her.  Teacher Nancy smiled and addressed each of them–complimenting a daring hair style, asking about a newly born sibling, and wishing them luck on upcoming tests.  When they’d received their fill of Teacher Nancy Love, they moved on, leaving us to finish our discussion.

“Keeping love in my heart is something I have to work on every day,” Teacher Nancy explained, as she patted my arm and smiled. “It isn’t easy at all.”

Our conversation was like a lightening bolt to my heart. Lovingkindness wasn’t something that was innate in some and lacking in others. Nor could lovingkindness be measured in how easily it flowed from the heart. After our exchange, I finally understood that what lay at the center of lovingkindness was brave and steadfast effort–nothing more and nothing less–and that cultivating a practice of lovingkindness was a lifelong opportunity to discover the hidden courage and determination within. That was the real lesson Teacher Nancy had been teaching me over the years.

Love takes courage.

My younger daughter just turned ten, marking almost a decade since I began my lovingkindness quest.  Although there are still many lessons to be learned, my hope is that my gestures of love and kindness have left a path for my daughters to follow. That they will learn from me what I learned from Teacher Nancy:  Lovingkindness is a commitment that must be renewed moment by moment, regardless of whether it feels like a gift to share or a burden to carry, and with each lovingkindness triumph as well as failure, we are given a chance to reaffirm our faith that this world can be a better place, beginning with each one of us. Even if it means returning to Kindergarten again and again to master the ABCs of a good heart.

Advertisements

About flyingnotscreaming

My weekly quotes and "Notes from Flights" are my attempt to learn how to soar through life's unknowns with grace and gratitude. Thank you for flying with me. --Melissa Myers Place, writer, reader, massage therapist, mother, wife, and daughter
This entry was posted in Essays and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to The ABCs of a Good Heart

  1. Deb Snell says:

    I SO, SO, needed this. It all gets back to realizing that none of us are perfect or as perfect as our outward appearances may show the world. Vulnerability is the best teacher! Thanks for sharing this.

  2. Mary Hirsch says:

    Melissa, I, too, have basked in the lightness of and joy in knowing Teacher Nancy. She is a delightful and comforting presence that I seek out everytime I visit my grandchildren’s school (and, that’s often). To my thinking, nothing, nothing, nothing trumps Kindness and T. Nancy is a delightful role model for us all. Incidentally, you’re quite remarkable in that kindness-category also, young lady.

  3. Eva Willes says:

    Thanks for your thoughts. I am with you all the way, yet I tell myself, I cannot save the whole world, that is too big a burden. Does that make sense?

  4. Cherie says:

    Thank you Melissa! You are so inspiring, and kind, and definitely make the world a better place.
    Enjoy summer with your girls.

  5. Mary Ann Foust says:

    Thank you for this message Melissa!—It moves my heart and soul in hope, —-especially the past few days.
    It speaks to what we all aspire towards— But It also acknowledges our human weaknesses.
    And when we fall short, it is part of our God-Given desire to get back to Loving Kindness where we know we belong.
    Blessings for the depth you understand and give!

  6. Carrie says:

    Thank you for this today. I have been reading “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz and I am struggling with them. You reminded me this will not be easy.

  7. Anne G says:

    Hi Melissa! I love your essays and wanted to tell you that your daughters sounded wonderful when they sang a few Saturdays back. I barely know them but you and Steve shine through them and that is a very good thing for our world. Thank you!

  8. Corrie says:

    This is by far the most beautiful essay you have posted yet. I sit with tears in my eyes because I too have been happy to be loved by teacher Nancy, and my children too. Thank you for sharing this, and bringing important subjects to our attention.
    You are awesome Melissa.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s